Skulduggery's Drunken Rampage
by Braeyln-Tazzalana
Summary: Skulduggery and alcohol, not a good combination. But hey, a story about a drunk Skeleton? You'd be crazy not to read it. :P Read and review people!


**Okay, I just want to let everyone know that I'm not, I repeat NOT abandoning my story "dark times" this is just a random idea that SWAY DARK gave me last night and I just had to write it. :P**

**Anyways, on with the reading. ENJOY!**

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**Skulduggery's Drunken Rampage**

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The 1954 Bentley R-type continental, shapely pulled into a parking space. Just missing a grumpy old mage. A drunken skeleton fell out of the car; bottles and cans of alcohol followed him. His bones hit the ground with a splat. He sat there for a while, waiting for the earth to stop spinning. He stood up with way to much effort. The detective didn't look anything like himself. His pants were facing the wrong way, his shirt buttons didn't match up, his jacket was only half on and his tie was wrapped around his hat. But the thing is, he didn't care. He had dressed this way on purpose, he reckoned he looked amazing. He stumbled towards the sanctuary door taking a half empty bottle of whisky with him. As he walked through the door, he pulled out a cigar and asked a nearby statue for a light. When it didn't respond he insulted it, slapped it then walked off mumbling about how rude it is. Skulduggery hadn't seen anyone yet, which was weird. He turned down a corridor and saw a mage he had worked with once. He couldn't remember his name, and he didn't care.

"Oi." He called out burping at the end. He shoved the bottle in his mouth and began gurgling the drink like he had been stuck in the Sahara dessert. The young mage turned.

"Yes Mr Peasant?" he asked walking towards him. Skulduggery stopped drinking and looked down at his pants. The alcohol was dripping from his pants and making a rather large puddle on the floor.

"Mr Pleasant." He spat out. He took a hold of his he nose. "You stink. Are you drunk?"

"No, never." He took a step forward and slipped on the puddle of whisky at his feet. His skull smashed down on the floor. If he had eyes they would have popped out from the force.

"Okay, maybe I'm a bit out of sort's thing morning." The mage helped him up and reserved a loud smelly burb in the face for his efforts.

"Light?" Skulduggery says sluggishly trying to regain his grace.

"Pardon sir?"

"Light? Do you have one? I'm dead here." The drunken detective starts giggling like a little school girl. When the mage doesn't laugh in return Skulduggery pours the rest of the whisky in his mouth not caring that it was seeping through his clothes.

"Sir, you are an elemental, why do you need a lighter?" Skulduggery throws the bottle on the floor and looks up. He covers his cigar with his left and tries to light it.

"It's not working!" He shouts. "You're a liar." He puts it in his mouth.

"You click to summon a flame; you just can't expect it to appear on its own." Skulduggery tilted his head to the side.

"I know that!" he clicks his fingers, a spark comes but no flame appears. He does it again, same result. Skulduggery is very mad at this point. He clicks his fingers one more time and a huge burst of flame completely envelopes his hand, he leans in to light his bent cigar and accidently sets his whisky drenched shirt on fire. He doesn't even notice anything till the mage begins screaming in horror as it burns his jacket. The mage shuts his eyes and soon it begins raining just above Skulduggery's head. Soon the fire is put out.

"Mr Pleasant? Are you alright?" Skulduggery looks him straight in the eye. In Skulduggery's left hand is a half burnt, sopping wet, bent cigar.

"I was so looking forward to this." Skulduggery whimpers as he walks away, heading towards the meeting room. He had been told yesterday he needed to be there at nine am on the dot. It was now twenty past eleven. _I'm sure they wouldn't mind me being late_. Skulduggery thought to himself. He arrived at the door and opened it. (With great difficultly) Inside the room were Erskine Ravel, Madam Mist, Ghastly Bespoke, Tanith Low, Fletcher Renn and Valkyrie Cain. They all turned to stare at him. They had been waiting on him for over two hours and this is not how they expected him to enter. Dripping wet with singed clothes, backwards pants, tie wrapped around his hat as if he was pretending it was hair, and half of his jacket was missing from being burnt. Valkyrie stood in shock. The pure look of disappointment in her face, would have had broken his heart of he had one. He didn't take any notice of anyone else. Deciding there was only one thing to make her happy, to be his normal self. He runs to his seat sliding completely off it sending hundreds of important papers flying all around the room.

"Now that mister Pleasant has." Madam Mist's head turns to him just as he's getting back on his seat. "Finally decided to grace us with his presence. We can get to a rather disturbing matter." Skulduggery grabs a hold of Fletcher and yells.

"My hair is better thhan yoursss." He guested to the tie hanging from his hat. "Remember how I always never had hair?" he wallowed into his ear making him extremely uncomfortable. "Now, I doint." He slurred, as he let go of fletchers shirt who immediately teleports to the other side of the room.

"Skulduggery, there are more pressing matters that you thinking your tie is your hair." Mist said. Her voice was dripping with bitterness and pure discomfort, weather it was being near him or just the revolting burnt whisky smell emanating off of Skulduggery no one knew.

"Now, as I was saying we have some disturbing news about."

"Who wants to play Russian Rulit?" no one knew what he was talking about until he started pulling out bullets from his revolver. He casually threw them anywhere, one landed in the grand mages coffee, he was not happy about that. But was still smiling because no one had ever seen the great detective drunk. Skulduggery threw the second last bullet out of the gun, spun the chamber and held it up to the grand mage. Gasps filled the room, but when there was no bang skulduggery moved on to Mist, then to Tanith and then Fletcher. A loud bang filled the room. Everyone called out to fletcher telling him to teleport away. He vanished and reappeared behind Skulduggery. The room was silent until Skulduggery's loud girlish giggle.

"That was SO much fun." He called out as he crash tackled Fletcher. "You're so amazing. You dodged a bullet, I'm sorry I said my hair was better it's not. Your hair is so damn amazing." Fletcher pulled the deranged drunk detective off him and kicked his skull away so he was no longer looking at him. Instead Skulduggery's eye sockets were fixated on Mist. She was always uptight and mean to him, Skulduggery had never really cared why but now he knew why. Madam Mist liked him. He decided to make this her lucky day. "Did it hurt?" he asks.

"Did what hurt Mr Pleasant?"

"Falling from the celling?" Tanith and Valkyrie both clamped their hands around there mouths desperately trying not to laugh out loud.

"Bite me." She spat out.

"Where." Valkyrie knew if he had eye brows that they would be raised erotically.

"Okay, let's just." Ghastly started but stopped when Skulduggery hugged him tightly.

"I love you man." Skulduggery's right leg wrapped around Ghastly's. "I never got the chance to tell you that." Ghastly pushed Skulduggery away and ran as fast as humanly possible behind Tanith. Skulduggery stood there feeling rejected while Tanith tried to comfort a violated Ghastly, but with her enjoying every moment it wasn't working. Skulduggery turned his head and saw Madam Mist, she appeared annoyed but Skulduggery knew better. He flicked his hat upwards. It almost fell off but thankfully it stayed, Skulduggery began the awkward movements of what was supposed to a shuffle. He began undoing the buttons of his shirt. As he did his spare gun that he kept in his ribcage fell out and a loud bang filled the room for the second time. Everyone looked down at the gun and saw that it was facing where fletcher was standing but he had teleported just in time. He didn't pop out of anywhere so they assumed he wasn't coming back until the detective was contained.

"Well, that's embarrassing." Skulduggery said. He looked backed at mist and said "That's new." He pressed the symbols on his collar and winked once his false face was in place. He takes a bad step and falls over. He stays on the floor or a few seconds before asking Mist.

"Wanna join me?" he winks at her again. She kicks him as hard as she can. He still stares at her.

"Ooo, aggressive. Want to try the handcuffs later?" he winks at her again. Mist kicks and the heels of her shoes stab into his eye sockets. He turns his head away to stop the pain. He notices that Valkyrie has her phone out and is filming the entire thing. He suddenly gets a sudden impulse, something he has always wanted to do since the day she turned eighteen. He gets up. Not worrying about the fact his unbuttoned shirt was starting to fall off. He stops a few steps away from her.

"You're old enough now." He whispers.

"Skulduggery? Wha" her voice gets cut off as he mashes their lips together. Everyone in the rooms mouths fall wide open. Tanith drops her sword, the _Clang _it made echoed though out the dead quiet room. Skulduggery pulls away when he hears the sound of Valkyrie's phone hitting the ground and smashing to pieces.

"I've always wanted to do that." he whispers and falls to the ground unconscious.

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**A/N: Funny or What? :P I have to thank Sway Dark for this, she gave me the original idea and many of the funny things that happen during it. :P I loved writing this it was so funny. I might make more chapters of this it all depends on how well people like it. So make sure you guys review. Well I'm not going to go write the next chapter of my other story. :D Oh and if you haven't read it please do so, It's an alright story.**** :D Read review people! Peace.**


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